What is Romance?

The following is from the draft of A Timeless Guide to More and Better Romance™.

Romance is often said or thought with a certain amount of wistfulness—a desire for something transcendent, but if we earnestly want to pursue it, we need to get beyond thinking of it only as a mysterious aspiration.

In this guide, I use the word romance to mean romantic love—a couple's cultivation of an emotionally, spiritually, and physically intimate relationship, and I define it this way:

Romance is everything that helps a couple feel closer to each other.

“Everything” is an awful lot, so I’ve categorized many of the most important aspects into twelve major groups, and several subgroups, which I call facets, like the many surfaces of a finely cut diamond. The best romantic relationships are strong in all of these areas, and a couple can spend a lifetime together creating more and better romance in their relationship.

Many characteristics of romance overlap a great deal, and many are closely related to others. That makes it difficult to categorize them, and different people will have different opinions about any categories put forth. Nevertheless, over many years, I’ve developed the following list of twelve categories, or major facets, which I think does a pretty good job of organizing all aspects of romance to make them easier to think about, and easier to understand the rich connections between them. Here’s the top-level list:

Twelve Major Facets of Romance:

Affection
Attraction
Communication
Companionship
Devotion
Foreplay
Friendship
Giving
Like-Mindedness
Respect
Sex
Trust

Most of these facets are traits that exist in non-romantic relationships, including with family, friends, and coworkers, but often to a lesser degree than with a romantic partner or spouse, and not all these facets exist in every romantic relationship, such as dating couples who don’t have sex. However, the strongest romantic relationships are usually strong in all these areas.